Copyright: © 1997 Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada. This document may be freely reproduced for non-commercial purposes with credit and mention of the Lift Up Your Hearts web site http://www.worship.ca/ as the source.

Pneuma is a journal on spiritual direction and formation in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada. Dr. Wayne Holst is currently a research associate and lecturer at the Arctic Institute of North America, University of Calgary.

"The true purpose of all spiritual disciplines is to clear away whatever may block our awareness of that which is God in us. The aim is to get rid of whatever may so distract the mind and encumber the life that we function without this awareness." --Howard Thurman in "Disciplines of the Spirit"

During the past sixteen years I have filled more than fifty journals and almost ten thousand pages with daily entries of prayer and reflection. As I attempt to share these thoughts on private meditation it is a reality check for me when I consider the amount of time and effort represented by this personal investment. There is no doubt that since I began to enter mid-life in my forties, and now draw close to my mid- fifties, I have made journal writing a very significant priority. Since I would not want to guess at how many hours this activity represents, I ask myself "What possible benefit is there in that kind of private reflection and day-to-day attentiveness to the workings of the Spirit in my life?"

I will suggest three primary benefits among a dozen or so that I have considered.

1. Therapy. Journaling helps me to be totally honest with myself and with God. Investing fully in the thoughts and feelings that pass from pen to paper has been my most productive and inexpensive therapist. When I scan old journals, I am amazed at some of the expressions I must now acknowledge were mine. In some entries, I encounter distress of spirit, anger, resentment, grief, loss, and disorientation. In other selections I encounter pride, calculation, manipulation, and narrow self- justification.

   Perusing my journals is sometimes like reading the Psalms. So much of my raw humanness has been poured out upon those pages. Yet, as I think about it, so much renewal has also resulted from having this place to which to resort and express myself. I sense that, over time, answers have come to many deeply troubling issues I have raised there. God has listened, participated, and spoken with me through these exercises. No matter how distraught I may have been during many a "night watch," healing answers and divine resolution has come to me "in the morning."

2. Congruence. Journaling helps me to integrate my faith with my life before God. The major struggle of the Christian, it seems to me, is to walk the talk. Over time many of us come to know what God expects of us. The challenge is to practice what we preach. I realize, after many years of trying to be honest with myself through journaling, that it is a very difficult hurdle to confront myself with what I need to do and then to set about doing it. I can come up with all kinds of rationalizations for why some things can't change or why some things won't happen. For me, putting things in writing implies a certain clarity and intentionality. Frequently, I have returned to previous commitments and asked myself, "Do I really want to do that?" "Was that actually a good idea?" "Might it be better to refine and redefine?" I believe that God accompanies and provides objective assessment for me through these struggles. Some of my thoughts need to be reconsidered. Some of my plans need to be refocused. I have come to cherish these undertakings, painful as they might sometimes be. I know that I am not wrestling alone. I have a Companion in my efforts to find a way to live with integrity.

3. Doxology. Journaling allows me many occasions to say "thanks" to God. I have found no better way than journaling to prepare my heart and clear my mind in order to open myself gratefully to my Creator in adoration and worship. Howard Thurman is right when he suggests that our spirits must learn a discipline in order to live a life of doxology. There are so many worthy (as well as unworthy) distractions making up everyday existence. It is easy to be carried away by good intentions (as well as bad) so that the most essential things get short shrift. I have learned that the time I set aside daily to reflect intentionally on my experience, to translate myself into God's presence, and to offer praise for all that has just happened, can make the difference between inner disorientation and reconciliation. Every day brings new challenges. My life script is unpredictable. Yet the regimen of spiritual journaling enriches me with therapy, congruence, and doxology and has proven to be of lasting benefit. It has carried me over the long haul.